Magic Personified
by
WiseWoman
Real or make-believe?.......that is the question. Can we find
a way to determine if the person we are falling for online is
REAL??
This is one question that comes to mind a lot in online
connections, be it emails or instant messages, and is peculiar
to ONLY online communications. This cannot occur in any other
venue except maybe writing letters back and forth to someone
you have never met, such as pen pals, women who write to
incarcerated men, etc.
Since
we cannot see the person's reactions to what we say, nor can
we be distracted by a million other forms of sensory input
that happen in person-to-person interaction, ONLINE
communication becomes something nebulous falling somewhere
between REAL and FANTASY in our mind.
We
are real people talking to each other, but our mind has to
find a place of security that is alien to its natural process.
If one has spent a lot of time online interacting with others,
one develops a place of security in one's mind where by we can
launch a scenario that is optimum for each particular
person/case involved.
For
instance, if we are talking to someone who fits the criteria
that we have set for us to be able to explore a possible
meeting, we have imposed a certain chain of events that will
certainly take us to that end.
Systematically,
we ask certain questions, interpret the answers, which lead to
more questions, which lead to more answers that finally give
us the specific information we need to make an educated guess
as to the risk factor involved in actually meeting this person
face to face.
After
assessing all the things we have to assess, after eliminating
a series of reasons why to meet or not meet this person, we
ultimately whittle it down to whatever action we want to take.
On
one hand, with online dating, before we meet face to face, we
have a hell of a lot MORE information than we would have if we
just met on the street. Assuming they have told the truth, we
usually know their age, where they live, what they like
sexually, and a lot of other personal things we've demanded
they answer before we determine a quasi match.
But
on the other hand, we have a whole lot LESS information than
we would have if we had met this person in real time (seeing
how they dress, carry themselves, relate to the world around
them, how friendly they really are etc).
So,
within this nebulous space we now have to create a whole new
set of rules for ourselves. We have to come up with extra
sensory perception that will guide us in our decision-making
so that we can find the lowest risk factor possible for making
the best assessment for success. Not only do we have to decide
if this person is compatible, but we have to give ourselves
the OK to bite the bullet and go for it.
The
more we meet people this way, the more we learn how our new
sensory perception has to develop. Each time we meet someone,
we get the opportunity to develop our skill.
Once
we have this person in our face, the brain has to switch from
that nebulous place between REAL and FANTASY to REAL time. Now
we fall back on what has always been familiar to us and that
is CHEMISTRY.
Chemistry
has a way of overriding much of the aforementioned data. New
sensory input invades the senses and qualifies or disqualifies
all previous information. This is the point where we go from
the nebulous zone to a comfort zone.
At
least we can trust chemistry. It's almost an absolute for us.
Chemistry is cut and dry. There is no question. We are in our
comfort zone and know exactly if this person is energetically
in tune with us or not.
But,
what if the guy has a nervous twitch or looks at every woman's
ass that walks by, or what if the woman has an obnoxious
high-pitched laugh? That nebulous zone never factored these
types of things in to the quotient.
The solution to this is to have a web cam. You can see how the
person responds to your words, see their facial movements, see
their body, how they look when you make them smile, hell you
can even see their pets, kids, and whatever else they care to
show you.
You
can't, however, see how they react to the world around them,
or know how friendly they are to senior citizens, or whether
or not they have money in the bank, but if you are wondering
if you are at least physically attracted to this person, the
cam will show you a heck of a lot.
I think we create in our nebulous zone, how we want the person
to be. When the other person doesn't meet that expectation, we
tend to then say, "they weren't for REAL." I am
thinking that we create this person, as we want to see them to
make it OK in our mind to meet them.
But
when they aren't THAT way really, aren't WE ourselves to blame
for making up this super being?? How many times have you said,
"This is absolutely CRAZY!!?? I think I am madly in love
and we haven't even met!!" What we are "in
love" with is the IDEA of this person being everything we
have made them out to be which is of course, our perfect
mate!!!
Is saying the person really wasn't as they alluded to be,
perhaps a "self imposed" mistake or lack of
awareness? Could it be that we are eluding ourselves? If we
can realize that we have done all we can in a limited venue to
find someone who for all intents and purposes matches our
criteria for romance, BUT that the hold out is the actual
face-to-face meeting as the be all and end all of ascertaining
REAL attraction, I think there would be a whole lot less
disappointment, and a lot more success stories.
Expectations
are SELF IMPOSED and we ourselves need to be accountable for
this. If the other person does NOT meet our expectations, it
might just be that we built up a persona to suit our fantasy,
and perhaps WE indeed, haven't been realistic.
The other thing that we run into a lot, unfortunately, are the
liars and deceivers who get their rocks off by hurting others
or just seeing how well they can bullshit their way into
getting a date.
That
is where experience at meeting comes in handy. There are a lot
of ways to detect these people because they forget from one
day to the next what lies they told and stories aren't
consistent.
I
avoid these like the plague but even an experienced bullshit
detector like myself can still be fooled on occasion. BUT, I
still prefer this venue for meeting potential dates over all
others and have learned that the bottom line is to keep a very
open mind, realizing that I am probably grandiosizing a wee
bit because I so earnestly want to meet people with whom I can
relate to and be myself with and I truly believe that with the
masses at my fingertips, I have much higher odds of being
successful.
There is a magical dynamic that happens online that is not
found in any other venue and I sincerely believe it CAN be
translated into real time, with caution, awareness, and the
ability to make the smooth transition from that nebulous zone
to REAL time, and allow yourself the grace to let chemistry
and face-to-face attraction be the deciding factor. Limit your
fantasies and know that they are the fuel, but they are not
the REAL fire!!!
© 2003 Tami Fox. All rights reserved.
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