Warm weather is here
It has made me quite horny
I need to have sex

You know it’s serious, and a desperate attempt at remaining rational, when one resorts to writing a Haiku to help cope with horniness. But there it is, in plain Haiku English. And it says everything I have been feeling the last couple of days.

Honestly, I’m not that young anymore. I’ve been out of college for more than four years, and the old adage about spring turning boys (and girls) fancy to sex seems more suited to high school (and perhaps college) students. But here I am, ready to drive by the nearest high school (or college, or construction site) with the convertible top down, wearing Daisy Dukes, trying to get laid.

For those of you living in the south, or southwest, or somewhere outside of the U.S. that is tropical, this column might have less meaning. But us east-coast sorts have always had to deal with this phenomenon. This year, we experienced a horrible winter. Record snowfall, cold temperatures, and perhaps most significant, very few (if any) warm weather breaks. Most winters, we at least get a tease of warmer weather throughout the winter, which might help to keep our hormones somewhat balanced. But this year, it has pretty much been one long winter.

Then suddenly, the cold broke. And now, we are experiencing temperatures close to 70 degrees. It happened quickly, and while many of my male friends were seen dusting off their golf clubs and hitting the driving range, or polishing their cars, my weekend was spent thinking about getting laid. Not just any method, however. I wanted to be outside somewhere, on a deserted beach. Or perhaps a park, under the trees. Somewhere where I feel the breeze and the sunshine, while feeling an artist masterfully playing a concerto between my legs. Okay, I lied. Right now, I don’t care if it’s in a dark, dusty trailer or a small studio apartment with no windows. I just need to get laid.

But before I begin my search for my latest prey, I started wondering whether there was something scientific about why people (and specifically me this year) get hornier when springtime arrives. Is it some hormonal imbalance? Is it sociological? Or is it just nature?

Related to this, however, I did discover that millions of people suffer from something known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.), where lower levels of sunlight alter production of brain chemicals and can lead to depression, among other things. It is widely believed that one of the best cures for this condition is simply more sunlight, which often happens when the weather turns warmer, and people begin going outside again.

S.A.D. can perhaps explain some of the issues with spring hormones, but what about the millions of others that do not experience depression during the colder and darker months? It seems ripe for speculation, which I will do here. Sex and attraction are highly visual. When warmer weather arrives, people begin going outside, after spending most of the winter months couped up inside watching TV and seeing their skin turn pale. Once the holidays are over, many people start dieting, and exercising more to be ready for the warmer months. Spring clothes begin appearing in stores, and people want to look good. Some of us start tanning at the salons, and spend longer hours in the gym. Then, all of a sudden, a warm weekend arrives, and we are thankful that we at least started to work on our appearance before the weather turned. For us gals, we see guys wearing less clothing, where their muscles are finally seen again. And the guys are doing manly things, like sports and working on cars or other physical projects. For guys, they begin seeing women walking around, and the women are wearing less and less clothing. Skin begins to appear, followed by the same Daisy Dukes that I am about to test in a few hours! And seeing this after a winter of gloom and doom makes us think about sex.

There are also media driven reasons to associate sex with spring. How many of you have ever gone on a spring break vacation? I have. It’s all about drinking, partying, and sex. Watch MTV, or any news show, and you’ll undoubtedly see reports from spring break locations. And how about those "Girls Gone Wild" videos from spring breaks around the country?